Roller Derby Reruns

Are we watching the quiet death of the Winter Olympics as a “mega-media-event”? Much is being made in the dailies about the ratings for NBC’s wall-to-wall coverage. The games got beat out by American Idol. Well, sure, that’s reasonable. Anybody would rather see Simon Cowell trash some pathetic wailer rather than try to decipher the figure skating scoring algorithms. But, look further and you’ll see that the Olympics also lost in the ratings to Survivor, Dancing With the Stars and qualifying for the Daytona 500. The race day was a no-brainer for me—I’d much rather see Tony Stewart driving somebody into the wall at 190 MPH than the second leg of a 40 km cross-country ski relay.

Let’s face it; while it isn’t quite the White Supremacy rally that Bryant Gumbel wanted to paint it as, the Olympic Winter Games are boring. They aren’t generally events that Joe Six-Pack can identify with whether Black or White. Does any father want his son to grow up to be a figure skater? Did you see the get-up on the Italian guy who was having a snit with his partner in ice dancing? Donning old movie theater drapes with a powder blue organdy shawl around the shoulders is not very manly for a world-wide TV appearance. Can you picture the old man down at the union hall on Monday, saying, “hey did you see the triple toe loop my kid did in his short program?” Nah, dad want’s touchdowns, home-runs and triple doubles in good ol’ American sports to brag about.

Have you ever known a real bob-sledder? Do you know anywhere that you could buy a bob-sled? How do guys become bob-sledders? NASCAR drivers grow up at dirt-tracks around the country driving beat-up jalopies that they spend their evenings patching into competitive condition. But is there an equivalent venue for wanna-be bob-sledders? Can you find an old junker down at the used sled lot to take racing?

What’s with curling? It looks like fun—think shuffleboard with cold feet and a wet knee on your pants. Throw in some post-contest beer drinking and I might be able to go for it. But, as a spectator sport? Not in the U. S. of A.

Ski racing is fine. The downhill has a bit of wild-eyed psychosis appeal. With that great 60 Minutes hype job of Bode Miller as the iconoclastic drunk with talent who was going to sweep the competition, we had some reason to watch. At this writing Miller is “oh-for-four” on any kind of medal and I’m pretty confident there won’t be any gold for the bad boy when he gets to the slalom either. At least, there are a lot of American skiers who might watch some of the events. Alas, they won’t be seeing any local boys make good.

We’ve had a trick up our sleeves though. Yep, as the biggest international bully the world has ever seen, we can pretty much shape the Games to our liking. Simply witness the audacity of NBC in resisting the demands to call the host city by it’s anglicized name rather than what the residents themselves call it. Yep, NBC bucked some serious arm-twisting by calling it Torino—either that or Ford might be bringing that mid-sized sport sedan back for another Edsel turn.

The real trick has been the introduction of American popular culture “sports” so that we can win some medals. While we still get teary-eyed thinking about the “Miracle on Ice” we realized that it was pretty tough to repeat. So, we simply co-opted Russians, Finns, Czechs and other national stars to play in the NHL. Then we got the rules changed to allow pros to play Olympic Hockey. And with the collapse of East Germany and the loss of all those lovely, steroid-loaded lasses from the Eastern Bloc, we introduced women’s hockey so we might have an event to win.

Then there’s short track speed-skating. Let’s admit right up front, that short track isn’t an American invention. It’s Asian, but it’s got the right sort of body contact, luck required, randomness to make it attractive. It’s roller derby on ice, but without the tattooed girls. One try got us an American hero—but, Ohno it won’t happen again. Better change some rules before 2010.

The real trick has been the snow-boarding events. Yeah, now we’re talking. Real American stuff with iPods in the ears, baggy pants showing Plumber’s Butts on even the girls and possibility of real bodily injury doing a quintuple twisting triple flip off the kicker. That’s sport, American-style!

The latest “event” has been snowboard-cross. Full body contact shoulder to shoulder racing in four-packs down a set course with cut-offs, knock-downs, ski-overs and even an unintentional wipe-out at the cost of a gold medal while shining one’s butt on short final with a victory assured. If it didn’t look so much like a typical day on the bunny slope at Vail, I’d say it’s as close to NASCAR as the Winter Olympics are going to get.

Yep, I think we’ve seen the final wooden stake pounded into the heart of the Winter Olympics. Four years from now it’s going to be like the American presidential conventions—a week long event reduced to a one hour summary each night in which we’ll get the spills and fights boiled down to their most essential elements.

Oh, and one last gripe. Ditch the blue lines on the snow next time. Part of skiing is dealing with the tough conditions of flat light. Drawing references to outline the course and provide perspective for the racers is simply polluting the hillside and the sport as well.

It’s time for the closing ceremony and all that international good-will to boil over.