Monday, April 23, 2007

Orwell, Bradbury, and Huxley Built a Better World

Who didn’t have queasy dreams after reading 1984, Fahrenheit 451 and Brave New World? The horror of living in that kind of totalitarian environment pales, however, in comparison to the visions of the newest gurus on the global warming hustle. Yep, I’m talking about those two middle-aged beauties in the bio-diesel bus who are flaunting their scientific credentials, oops, make that media popularity by touring the country lamenting the heat wave that’s coming. Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, both lacking any sort of technical expertise, are roaming the hinterland and pitching to the mushy minds of the college age population their view of the “Inconvenient Truth.”

These musings come directly and without filtering from the two bimbo’s blog:

Biodiesel Bus Blog

Last week we heard Ms Crow lamenting the climate change that she personally has viewed in her lifetime at her favorite beaches. That’s right! In just twenty short years of observations, none of which are accompanied by scientifically compiled data, she has noted a significant increase in temperatures! I could point out to Ms Crow that women her age occasionally sense a higher temperature than ambient due to hormonal rather than climatic change, but that might be viewed as sexist.

More critically, it would be good to note that global warming is a function of single-digit degree changes over centuries, not generally notable to individuals in a lifetime. But, I doubt such details would have significant impact.

Now, the dynamic duo seeks a broader attack on the problems. Going directly to the source of greenhouse gas emissions, they now seek a toilet paper limit per application. I’m wondering if they envision some sort of program similar to the carbon credit system to allow them to possibly trade their rate of usage with the restraint of some other cultures in terms of personal hygiene techniques. Bidet users could reap a lot of credits by foregoing TP consumption and in return get to drive larger vehicles or maybe fly their private jets more. Yep, another opportunity for trade.

But, if Crow and David have their way, how will this “one square is more than fair” dictate be enforced. You know that if there is a demand for this sort of activism to fight the temperature fairies, there will also be scoff-laws who piddle and poop without regard to the damage they are doing to the environment. That will necessitate an army of Toilet Police to enforce the rationing.

We’re looking at a world of time-controlled TP dispensers. We’ve got the technology. If we can master the 1.6 liter flush and the limited dispensing paper towel roll, we can certainly apply the same social consciousness to the TP issue.

I’m envisioning a seat-to-roll interconnect with a pressure switch on contact that then unlocks the dispenser for a limited release. The technology that detects smoking in airliner bathrooms might help to detect seat bouncers who would try to get multiple dispersions. Attempts to circumvent the system would result in alarms and flashing lights, probably with an associated stall lockdown.

There would be significant manpower requirements to certify equipment, monitor bathroom effluent and confirm that residuals of incomplete jobs were not detrimental to public health. This might be a simultaneous economic boon in terms of reducing unemployment, creating new technologies and maybe even have a lateral benefit in boosting bloomer production for replacements.

There are bugs to be worked out here, but we can do it if we all take a swipe at the problem.

Yet, I sometimes think that maybe we are having our leg pulled here. Or, possibly the dynamic duo have been wearing their thongs too tight and underestimate the magnitude of the job they are facing.

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