I Didn't Write This, But I Could Have

FU WTFO: Joe, out of pilot training you did well enough to fly any aircraft you wanted, why fighters?

JOE: I decided to become a fighter pilot so I could be one of the elite men who had been selected to fly sleek, sexy, supersonic aircraft in dazzling aerial combat, as well as put on cool air shows and pose for photographs. Only the best pilots in the world get to be fighter pilots. The rest fly slow, heavy, ugly aircraft like A6s used to haul rubber dog shit out of places like Hong Kong, or worse, Detroit.

FU WTFO: Joe, rumor has it you wear a flight suit everyday and have not seen your blues since pilot training graduation, can you explain why?

JOE: Yes, typically, fighter pilots wear flight suits designed to be fireproof and protect them in case of an emergency. In actuality, however, the uniforms are made of a special type of cloth which repels beer stains. You can tell the really "shit hot" fighter pilots by the zipper on the beer repelling uniform. The lower it is, the more skilled the aviator. These "flight suits" also allow a fighter pilot to be able to get dressed and undressed in under ten seconds flat, and also perform various skills such as "ball-walking," a maneuver that might otherwise be impossible or painful in a normal uniform.

FU WTFO: Joe, we understand you consider yourself a bit of an authority on fighter pilot history. Can you tell us where the first fighter pilot came from?

JOE: Sure that’s an easy one. In 1069, Lord Carolus Magnus, having just been defeated by Cossacks in The Battle of the Third Punic War, called his military councilors to discuss new military strategies and doctrine. After thirty hours of heated deliberation and enthusiastic discussion, the council started to get sidetracked talking about strippers and other topics which had no place in a professional military context. Fearing that letting this go on any longer would have the council completely out of control, the Lord's senior executive officer, Baron Manfred Richthofen, summoned the butler who delivered four and twenty flagons of beer. An hour later, the council (who were Irish) was back on topic, with all members inebriated, singing songs, shouting, passing out at the table, and there was much grab-ass, and it was good, and they liked it, and there was much rejoicing. As the clock struck midnight, Baron Richthofen, himself subjected to the intoxicating beer, thought it a good idea to strap-on a cape and leap from the tower of the castle into a snow bank. They found him the next day, still intoxicated, lying in a ditch, uniform stained with his own vomit, and thus the fighter pilot was born. In honor of this momentous occasion, he commissioned the sacred beverage of all fighter pilots: Jeremiah Weed. The game of CRUD was also invented on this night.

FU WTFO: What about contributions fighter pilots have made to modern warfare?

JOE: It’s sad that our contributions to modern warfare are not taught in the public school systems or during PME. Fighter pilots have been a part of every major conflict since the day the Baron invented our breed. As far as modern warfare, fighter pilots have made notable appearances in World Wars 1, 2, and 4. After the Vietnam War (actually it was after WWII, but why quibble over details?), the United States Air Force was created in 1947, and consists entirely of fighter pilots. In 1948, Chuck Yeager, the first American fighter pilot, became the first man to fly faster than the speed of light.

FU WTFO: Thanks for your time today Joe and telling us what being a fighter pilot means to you. We understand you are a bit of a trivia buff, would you mind closing with some facts that most of our readers would be unaware of concerning fighter pilots?

JOE: I thought you’d never ask. Here’s my top ten list of facts about fighter pilots:

Fact 1: The secret ingredient in Red Bull is sweat from a fighter pilots ass crack, which explains the drinks peculiar taste, and its ability to "give you wings."

Fact 2: Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting entirely of swear words.

Fact 3: How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room? Just wait a minute.He'll tell you! Hint--He's the dude wearing dark sunglasses and a large watch.

Fact 4: Fighter pilots do not high-five.

Fact 5: Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.

Fact 6: Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, cigars, chewing tobacco, beer, and whiskey.

Fact 7: Fighter pilots each have their own "Verizon network" consisting entirely of Bikini clad beer girls with loose morals. Can you beer me now? Good.

Fact 8: Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like "Jockstrap" or "Whiplash." However, those who try to name themselves are invariably a SNAP and given the call sign "Manbitch."

Fact 9: The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots. They are movie stars. They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on to their next assignments.

Fact 10: Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake. They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do them in public (unless you are a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on a Friday night.) I suppose SOME helo pilots fit the same mold! Nah! suppose not.


(Hat tip to Fighter Pilot University for this morning's entertainment.)