If you are still harboring an assortment of tiki glasses from regular visits to Trader Vic's or similar you may skip the rest of this. If you believe that schnappes is a sweet flavored sort of 40 proof candy that college kids "shoot" on binges then you've never been to the real land of schnappes and are excused from further participation. If you ask your waitress for a "martini menu" when you sit down at dinner in a fine restaurant, you've got no dog in the remainder of this hunt.
If, however, you know the difference between reposado and anejo tequilas; that single-malt scotch comes in a wide range of styles and flavors; that bourbon isn't rye; that whiskey isn't whisky; that vodka shouldn't have fruit flavoring; and that cognac and armagnac come from two different places, neither of which is California then you might consider this:
Manly Cocktails Or Maybe Not
There are some issues there. The Rusty Nail is an after-dinner drink. Don't order one when you walk into Joe's Bar and Grill or you'll get your ass kicked. Blended Scotch and Drambuie is fine and the drink is both strong and palatable. I was brought up in the fighter pilot culture where it was called a MiG-15 rather than a Rusty Nail.
A Bloody Mary is certainly a manly drink, but only if it is consummed prior to noon and for the purpose of assuaging a blinding headache resulting from over-doing it the previous night with either a tequila tasting extravaganza or an Afterburner competition. It must have horseradish and it must be decidedly brownish in tone because of plenty of Worcestershire. Fresh lime juice is mandatory.
Negronis are fine fare. Anytime you want, feel good about yourself with a Negroni. Don't downgrade to an Americano. The mere fact that Negronis were invented in Europe and that an option to go without the strong spirits in the drink is called American tells you all you need to know.
Now, let's get to fire. Lighting booze on fire is a fine tradition, but mixing with water and pouring back and forth until the fire goes out is effete theater and not a manly endeavor. Fire to be macho requires that it be atop your glass when you raise it to your mouth and that it remain in the glass after it is drained. That, my friends is an Afterburner. Failure to keep the flame in the glass requires another attempt.
Fill a shotglass with cognac. Light with a match. You may have to heat the surface for several seconds to get it ignited. Raise glass to your mouth and resist the impulse to blow it out. Open wide and in a confident and positive movement pour the flaming booze in. Close mouth, put glass down, examine for vestigial blue flame in glass. Do not hesitate. Do not miss your mouth. Do not let the glass heat up by delaying.
General rules for manly drinking. Manly drinks are either clear or amber. Anything green, red, yellow, blue or pink is not manly. Manly drinks may be garnished but only with one item and it should not be large or sweet. Manly drinks may be on the rocks or straight up, but never order with specifications such as "shaken not stirred." Sorry, James, it simply isn't manly. Manly drinks should have no more than three ingredients and the main one should be at least eighty proof.
8 comments:
I've always said that real men smell faintly of expensive bourbon and fine tobacco. Mmmm!
When the Royal Australian Air Force got their first batch of EFF-Ay-Deens, they deployed up to the PI for Cope Thunder, we deployed down there from Kadena with our Eagles to help them work up. So we flew with them for a couple of weeks prior to the exercise and then a couple more during the exercise. Made lots of friends. Someone had suggested we cease shaving our mustaches for the duration just to see. So the last night before we redeploy, my wingie and I are involved with a little 2 v 4 in the bar playing crud and, shockingly, imbibing. Finally around 2am, the barkeep declares last call. The Aussie flight lead declares this a most excellent deployment, suitable of being saluted in a cherished RAAF tradition. Afterburners!!!! So, round come the shooters. The lead Aussie, lights his and downs it successfully. He reaches across and lights mine. I begin the throw. He grabs my arm and says, "No mate! You've got to understand the tradition." And begins to regale me with the tale of the RAAF from Albert Ball to today. I'm teary (bleary) eyed with the historical presentation. Finally, he says, "Now Mate, for the USAF, RAAF, the President and the Queen!" I throw the now very hot, flaming alcohol at my mouth. The first molecule hits my tongue and there's an involuntary slamming shut of my mouth. Unfortunately, that first molecule is followed by an ounce and a half of flaming alcohol. I care not, for I am a fearless man. I tilt the glass back up and indeed it is still burning. I begin to do my victory dance, when the Aussie to my left starts slapping me on the face. I give him a "WTF?" and He replies "You're on Fahr, Mate!"
Wake up the next morning, and look in the mirror. I have one half of the finest mustache in all the western Pacific. Unfortunately, my face is a little too pink to risk shaving it off. So I fly home with the mask hanging by the comm cord, because leaving it connected by either clip is somewhat painful.
My wife laughed.
See, this is why this lolwly cannon cocker hangs out here. Fighter pilots have the best stories!
I worked with you crazy people for 2 years and I'm surprised half of you made it to retirement. Though being a) female, b) enlisted and c) Intel meant that I was the very edge of the party, 'cause I was more dangerous to a career then the alcohol! After watching Brits take shots through their noses, and helping the aircrew (F-15Es, so we had pilots and backseaters) smuggle Jeramiah Weed into whatever country we were TDY I formed a theory or two. One: most guys were going to be faithful cause they were good human beings, regarless of their level of inibriation. Two: wingmen are required if you aren't sure of your ability to maintain #1 and to make sure if you did puke you didn't do it on the CO or DO's shoes. Three: the fact that you guys are crazy is for good reason. The casualness that comes with going to war, the desire to do your job, the glee that comes from dropping very large explosives onto others belies a serious reality...
Fighters live and work in a dangerous world, they are the tip of the spear and both the glory and the flame is theirs to handle. With such jobs and responsibilites comes a need to be crazy, to be manly, to beat the pants off anyone that comes along. These things aren't true of all, nothing ever is, but it's true enough. Fighters live on the edge, and to the fullest, because they hold the snake in their hands. Some days they beat the snake, some days they get bit. But every day is a day to live to the highest. So, yeah, Bolar Call started at 1130 most fridays and lasted till the bar closed!
(Er, 492nd FS at Lakenheath was my squadron. We started out during WWII as a bomber wing, wearing the local hat of wherever they went. When they showed up in England they started to wear the Bolar {or bowler} hats, so they became the Bolars. Now, hat makers end up ingesting a lot of lead by licking the felt of the hats to form them and tend to go insane, hense the "Mad as a Hatter" thing. So the Bolars are also called the Madhatters! Anyway, it's a long explanation but honestly more fun then the Panthers!)
A most excellent read, good sir, I raise a glass to your fine post.
Damn it Raz...I just burned my nose trying that Afterburner trick! What's the secret?
If, however, you know the difference between reposado and anejo tequilas...
Ed, 8 or 10 months ago, I would not have been able to state that I know the difference between a reposada or an anejo, mostly due to a self-induced aversion to tequila resulting from a sub barracks beyond over indulgence episode with cheap tequila, lemons and salt. Not good.
Anyway, a good friend encouraged me to forgot my childish tequila past and revisit it once again, this time as a bit more refined adult. I'm glad I did.
I enjoy anejos, well, except for the price one pays for a good one, which is why I am glad my purveyor of spirits introduced me to El Mayor teguila. They produce a fine anjeo, in my rather limited experience, and at thirty-seven bucks and some change a fifth (tax included) I can relatively easily afford it. If you have not tried it, give it a whirl.
I'm curious as to the price in your neck of the woods, so, if you do see it on the shelf, let me know the cost. Thanks.
Post a Comment