Question the Premise

The marketing machine is ramping up to counter the backlash against TSA thuggery. Last night I watched the news run a clip of a TSA press conference touting the successes of their policy of Fourth Amendment destruction. Breathlessly they reported having "confiscated TWO prohibited or dangerous items" from prospective passengers. That would be out of how many hundred thousand screenings?

Then there was the display of lethal nail clippers, nose hair scissors and two inch pocket knifes. The clincher was a table upon which was arrayed a display of confiscated firearms! Yes, these are actual guns taken from real passengers who tried to get them aboard an airplane without too much forethought about the screening process. Conspicuous at the center of the display were several of those gaudy plastic toy silver-plated cap guns that every six year old who ever played Cowboys and Native Americans brought to the corral. Yes, folks, it was grand theater.

Hardly an hour goes by on cable news which doesn't have the latest opinion poll which announces that a slim majority of Americans are in favor of the screenings and gropings because they will tolerate anything, "if it makes us safer."


That is the premise to be questioned.

Why do we take off our shoes? Because of Shoe Bomber Incompetent Extraordinaire Reed. Was he caught in a screening? Well, no. He was stopped by an alert passenger. Have a lot of subsequent shoe bombs been intercepted? None that I've heard of.

Why are we getting groped? Because of Jockey Johnson Bomber Abdulmuttalhabhajibaba and his foiled attempt to light off his junk box. He was stopped by an alert passenger and flight attendant. Have a lot of PETN laden boxers been intercepted? Any Semtex D-Cup bras? None that I've heard of.

Has El Al been under threat of terrorist attack? Have they had any losses? Do they have a rabbi at security to check for circumcisions? Maybe we should have a conference with them.

Here's where our policy is going:

Grope Yourself, We Respect Your Religion

That's all it takes! Wear a hijab then toss a copy of TSA regulations on the table and demand to prod and poke yourself. That should be satisfactory.

* If you wear the Islamic head scarf and you are selected for secondary screening, ask the TSA officer if the reason you are being selected for secondary is because of your head scarf. If the officer confirms you were referred to secondary because of your head scarf, before you are patted down, you should remind the TSA officer, who should be of the same gender, that they are only supposed to pat down the area in question, in this scenario, your head and neck. They should not subject you to a full-body or partial-body pat-down. You can always request to pat down your own scarf, including head and neck area, and have the officer perform a residue swab of your hands.

My religion doesn't wear a hijab. Men of my faith are required to wear a cowboy hat indoors or out and not remove it for searches. Because of my hat, I won't require a full or partial body pat-down. I'll just check my own hat, you see.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Haven't had any terrorist threats from practicing Muslims, have we?