I've got an open mind. Sure, I'll admit the opening is narrow, but it is open. With that consideration I came to two conclusions last night. First, I needed to see what was with the FIFA World Cup madness. If all of the people in the civilized world and large portions of the uncivilized including portions of the US were going crazy with Cup fever, I might be missing something.
Second, I needed to know what a vuvuzela sounds like.
So, after the Rangers edged the Marlins last night with a clutch triple from pinch-hitter Matt Treanor in the top of the ninth, I switched to ESPN2 coverage of whatever match was ongoing. Turned out it was Portugal vs Ivory Coast. So what? I don't have an interest in any national soccer team, so what's the diff?
I cured the second part of my quest immediately. A vuvuzela, when operated en masse is like a kazoo, but without the melodic potential. It's a mindless buzzer which isn't quite as entertaining as one of those New Year's eve grinder noise-makers. The stadium sounded like it was a scenario for some sort of horror movie, Return of the Killer Bees.
Then, with the volume turned down, I watched the game for a while. I gave it a fair shot. I watched it for three or four months. I entered a time warp in which nothing happens on grass for long intervals broken only by a pompous guy in short pants pulling out a spiral notebook and waving colored cards in the air. Then all of the other guys resume running around in random circles and then falling down a lot with grimaces of pseudo-pain.
I haven't seen so many flops without cause since the last time I watched a Lakers game. Apparently they all run around until someone is out of breath. Then he runs to within six yards of an opponent and throws himself on the ground screaming he has been injured. The guy with the notebook then picks up the ball puts it someplace random and after a breather someone gets to kick it again.
Several months into the game, with the score breathlessly tied at zero-zero, I gave up. Elapsed time on the game clock which is calibrated in eons and millenia said 32 of them had passed.
I went to bed, having assuaged my ignorance. Ten weeks till football season resumes. Texas remains in the Big 12 (10) and all is right with the world.