Sunday, November 29, 2009

Christmas Shopping Not List

There will be no shortage of gift ideas placed in your path during the next three weeks. The newspapers and TV will be filled with ads offering novel, interesting, compelling, and occasionally useful gifts for those on your list. I could be isolated without a calendar and know that it was approaching Christmas gifting season simply by seeing the resurrection of certain perennial commercials on TV. You'll be deluged and I'm here to help you avoid the worst mistakes.

Here's your list of things you absolutely must NOT buy:

  1. Your husband does NOT want an electric razor. No man ever in history has bought himself an electric razor. They are only sold at Christmas and only purchased by wives, girlfriends and mothers.
  2. Your wife does NOT want a Salad Shooter. No one will ever make a salad with one and no one has a place to store a useless gadget like that.
  3. Your elderly mother does NOT want a Clapper. No one can deal with lights going on and off at random moments like the house is haunted simply because the dog barked or a door slammed.
  4. Nobody you know wants a Snuggie. I don't care if it has their school colors and logo on the lap, you will have beer poured on your head if you wear it to a football game and you will trip over it and hit your head on a table if you try to get up to go to the bathroom while wearing one.
  5. Do NOT get your child one of those remote control helicopters. It won't fly through tunnels, won't chase another one around the light fixtures and won't last longer than the time it takes for the dog to catch it in mid-air and chew it up.
  6. Do NOT buy your boyfriend a flashlight with three legs to hold it up while he changes a tire on the car. His car won't have a flat for years and by then the batteries will be dead.
  7. Don't even think about getting your kids a Hamster...I don't mean the mammal; I refer to the mechanical variety. It looks like a deal at just $8.00, but it is useless without another fifty to a hundred bucks invested in habitat. Once it runs around the track one time you can throw it out.
  8. Avoid video games that teach your little boy how to kill with simple household tools and your little girl how to dress and talk like a whore. Become a pimp, a gangster, a drug-dealer or a gang-banger is not a worthwhile ambition.

So, there are some pitfalls to avoid. Maybe sports equipment, a book, or some nice clothes that don't show navels, butt-cracks, tramp-stamps or obscene slogans would do the trick. Have a happy holiday shopping season.

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