Tabloid Prayers Answered

In the lull in canonizations since the final whimpers of the thralls of ecstatic rapture during the Michael Jackson month-long funeral extravaganza and traveling road show, the tabloids and celebrity trash magazines have been forced to return to pictures of Britney and her children, rehashes of Brangolina spats and tattoos, and in-depth coverage of Lindsey Lohan's lips.

Now, with the passing of the Patron Saint of Submerged Automobiles, the American people have got an entertainment to fill the rest of the summer and that void from Labor Day til Halloween. We will get intense coverage of the greatness of this goat and paeans to the virtue that incredible wealth and a bully pulpit can bestow upon a family made wealthy on bootleg whisky and support of totalitarian dictatorships.

Here's the fair and balanced first iteration of the biography:

Warts and Weight With Wealth Wield Welfare Well

In case you might have forgotten some of the highlights, I'll offer you these:

He attended Harvard in 1951, playing on the freshman football team before he was caught cheating by having a friend take his Spanish language exam.

Made it all the way into his freshman year before having that little problem.

Kennedy was expelled and entered the Army, where he served in Paris during the Korean War. and after almost two years was re-admitted to Harvard for demonstrating good behavior.

Wow, what a lucky guy. Korean War going on and he gets posted to Paris! And, tough duty though it was, he managed to demonstrate "good behavior."

His good behavior took a bad turn at the wooden bridge, however:

But Kennedy's own aspirations for the White House were dashed in 1969 when his car plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick on Martha's Vineyard, killing Robert Kennedy campaign aide Mary Jo Kopechne. Kennedy swam to safety and only alerted authorities to the accident hours later.

As Kopechne's body was pulled from the dark sedan, the senator told investigators he panicked.

What was the cause of the panic, do you suppose? Worry about Mary Jo? Concern for his car insurance rates? Damage to his Allen-Edmonds wing-tips from the swim? Fear he wouldn't get a tow truck at that time of night?

Clearly a demonstration of potential for leadership in a stressful situation.

And, the poor baby made some other bad choices as well:

Like his first wife, Joan, Kennedy also struggled with alcohol, and through much of the 1980s was viewed as a playboy with a bottle. That image culminated with the arrest of his nephew, William Kennedy Smith, who was later acquitted on charges of raping a woman he met at a bar while out with his uncle.

Got that? He "struggled" with alcohol. The struggle was so intense he was often seen to be staggering under the weight of his inner conflict and slurring his words as the devil grabbed his tongue. He was barely able to meet the responsibilities as a role model for his nephew and teaching him how to deal with reluctant women.

Those are just some tidbits to keep in mind as we watch the ascension of the newest saint into the heavens where he will sit at the right hand of Abraham, Martin and John awaiting the glorious day when the Messiah will join them.